Weird synchronicity that I was feeling like this all day. Even the word terminal came into my head a couple hours ago. I thought, "my life feels terminal".
I was diagnosed with MS in 2021 and that gave me the same sense of power you talked about. Having a box to put my problems in.
I have also felt that power about suicide. Dying by my own hands vs the hands of another=power vs helplessness—type shit.
Thanks for writing this, because it is nice to know we are not alone, sometimes. Mostly, alone though, ha...
thank you!! i dont think people remember that psychology as a field is only around 130 years old and we are still working to research and put words to such individualized experiences
Literally an hour ago, I was washing dishes and thought, "I don't think I've ever experienced complete happiness."
I've never felt the type of happiness that makes me feel alive or like dancing in public. My version of happiness is lying in a state that is not anxiety--not hating what I'm doing.
I say all that just to say that I saw your essay and felt seen in all of it.
Im so glad this connected with you, although obviously not glad we have these feelings. But knowing that there are others -- and building that community -- is so helpful 💕
I’ve felt this way exactly for so long. There’s always just that lingering feeling of sadness that persists constantly. I wonder if it ever will go away or if it’s just part of me.
Beautiful work. I am so grateful you wrote about this. Suicide is far too taboo and as a result, it’s not talked about enough. Naturally, we should not encourage people to impulsively off themselves. But self-inflicted death as a genuine way out, when all other options have been exhausted, should be a legal and medically-supported option. I have always and will always advocate for it.
I know this isn’t fun to write about, but I appreciate it, as I am also this sort of person. I have so many pieces that I haven’t published regarding my passive wish to die, because if you don’t have our sort of brain, spirit, whatever that makes us what the ancient Greeks would deem Saturnian, people freak out. Don’t you have people who love you, goes the typical refrain. Don’t you love them, or your life, or something, they want to know. How can you be so selfish.
It just can’t ever overtake the sinking feeling I’ve had since I was little. That I would have been better off not being born. That all we have to look forward to is a symphony of pain and bullshit, and ending it would be a gift to myself. All the medication moves it to background noise, but it never entirely shuts up. Noting that we have company in this grey place is a little soothing, though.
Thank you!! Sharing these thoughts and feels, while still taboo, is SO important for building community, solidarity, and support. People love to say "battling depression" but seem to ignore that the battle is constant for people like us.
I have struggled with Suicidal Ideation for over half of my life, and it wasn’t until very recently that I noticed I’m not carrying my “backup plan”around anymore. Is it weird to say that’s a scarier feeling than know that I could die if life got too tough? I always knew that would be the way I go, but now everything’s changed and it changed while the world is going to shit.
I hate to self promote but I wrote something really similar and I really do appreciate that you’ve written this. We all have shared experiences, even the crappy ones.
Weird synchronicity that I was feeling like this all day. Even the word terminal came into my head a couple hours ago. I thought, "my life feels terminal".
I was diagnosed with MS in 2021 and that gave me the same sense of power you talked about. Having a box to put my problems in.
I have also felt that power about suicide. Dying by my own hands vs the hands of another=power vs helplessness—type shit.
Thanks for writing this, because it is nice to know we are not alone, sometimes. Mostly, alone though, ha...
Thank you!! Substack is nice for feeling a bit less alone
The phrase "terminal, but not urgent" really stuck with me. I wish there was an agreed-upon spectrum for mental illness
thank you!! i dont think people remember that psychology as a field is only around 130 years old and we are still working to research and put words to such individualized experiences
That closing line is just … wow.
Writing about such a tender, tabooed and personal subject is never easy. You tackled it with grace.
Means the world that my piece resonated with you.
thank you so much for the kind response!!
Literally an hour ago, I was washing dishes and thought, "I don't think I've ever experienced complete happiness."
I've never felt the type of happiness that makes me feel alive or like dancing in public. My version of happiness is lying in a state that is not anxiety--not hating what I'm doing.
I say all that just to say that I saw your essay and felt seen in all of it.
Im so glad this connected with you, although obviously not glad we have these feelings. But knowing that there are others -- and building that community -- is so helpful 💕
I’ve felt this way exactly for so long. There’s always just that lingering feeling of sadness that persists constantly. I wonder if it ever will go away or if it’s just part of me.
thank you so much for reading! I hope we can all recognize this feeling and support each other through it
Beautiful work. I am so grateful you wrote about this. Suicide is far too taboo and as a result, it’s not talked about enough. Naturally, we should not encourage people to impulsively off themselves. But self-inflicted death as a genuine way out, when all other options have been exhausted, should be a legal and medically-supported option. I have always and will always advocate for it.
Thank you so much and I completely agree!
I know this isn’t fun to write about, but I appreciate it, as I am also this sort of person. I have so many pieces that I haven’t published regarding my passive wish to die, because if you don’t have our sort of brain, spirit, whatever that makes us what the ancient Greeks would deem Saturnian, people freak out. Don’t you have people who love you, goes the typical refrain. Don’t you love them, or your life, or something, they want to know. How can you be so selfish.
It just can’t ever overtake the sinking feeling I’ve had since I was little. That I would have been better off not being born. That all we have to look forward to is a symphony of pain and bullshit, and ending it would be a gift to myself. All the medication moves it to background noise, but it never entirely shuts up. Noting that we have company in this grey place is a little soothing, though.
Thank you!! Sharing these thoughts and feels, while still taboo, is SO important for building community, solidarity, and support. People love to say "battling depression" but seem to ignore that the battle is constant for people like us.
This was amazing to read, very very very relatable
thank you!!!
I understand you. I am you.
I have struggled with Suicidal Ideation for over half of my life, and it wasn’t until very recently that I noticed I’m not carrying my “backup plan”around anymore. Is it weird to say that’s a scarier feeling than know that I could die if life got too tough? I always knew that would be the way I go, but now everything’s changed and it changed while the world is going to shit.
I hate to self promote but I wrote something really similar and I really do appreciate that you’ve written this. We all have shared experiences, even the crappy ones.
thank you!