in defense of the eldest daughter
the patriarchy's princess
We Substack girlies (trans-inclusive) love to talk about eldest daughter syndrome. We joke about our shared trauma and perfectionistic traits. We make fun of the fact that our time spent isolating has at least gifted us internet clout or writing talent. There is something special about the combination of not only being an eldest child, but a female at that.
Both traditional gender roles and birth-order effects influence the pressures felt by eldest daughters. Gender stereotypes suggest that women should be nurturing, natural caregivers, making the eldest daughter one of the default caregivers in the family. Among siblings, eldest siblings tend to face higher expectations when it comes to achievements, behaviors, and responsibilities placed by parents.1
It makes sense to me the universality of the “eldest daughter” aesthetic (for lack of a better word). Patriarchal dominance relies on men continuing to be born, a hope and dream of many expectant fathers whether it be conscious or not. There are countless examples of anger and resentment as reactions to a pink gender reveal. Dads don’t want daughters2 — they don’t speak of future bonding with a girl. There have been multiple dads-to-be go viral for their blatant upset (sometimes violence) when it is revealed they are having a girl34. The fantasize about having a catch in the backyard with a strong, athletic son. They imagine their sons as their heir, their legacy. Have you heard a first-time dad express his hopes for a girl recently? Obviously “not all men,” but enough to birth an entire group of women with mirrored trauma. So much so that a study done in 2018 by the University of Turku found that women prefer daughters and men prefer sons — this shit is actively researched by academic institutions5. It is not all in our little Tumblr submerged minds, as much as the online patriarchy loves to gaslight the eldest daughter into accepting her role and treatment.
The anger and resentment for their child’s missing phallus doesn’t die—it festers, curdling into emotional neglect, perfectionist expectations, and, in rare but deeply disturbing cases, incestual sexualization. It is not merely that these fathers do not know how to raise daughters; they do not see women as equal to men, as whole beings deserving of care and autonomy. Their daughters become substitutes, placeholders for the son they never had, but never with the same status or rights.
Without the gift of a son, fathers redirect their attention—not in the way a loving parent nurtures a child, but in a way that utilizes them as tools. Daughters, especially eldest daughters, are expected to provide emotional and labor capital, often without recognition, reciprocity, or relief. They are drafted into roles they never signed up for: the emotional confidante, the household manager, the second mother. Their own needs are an afterthought, if acknowledged at all.
In homes like these, gendered labor division isn’t a product of culture alone but of personal, deeply ingrained entitlement. Dad doesn’t have to lift a finger when there’s a built-in caretaker at his disposal. Weaponized incompetence is no longer just a way to evade responsibility—it’s a given, an unspoken but rigid expectation. There is always an extra set of hands to cook the meals, scrub the floors, and fetch the remote.
And the parentification doesn’t wait for puberty, for adolescence, for a “coming of age.” It begins in infancy; in the moment a child is old enough to register a command. I was up fetching my father anything he wanted as soon as I could toddle across the room. Before I was even old enough to understand the weight of expectation, I was already burdened with it.
And this phenomenon isn’t just based on shared experience online. A 15-year long study conducted at the University of California-Los Angeles found that first-born daughters mature faster and are more likely to experience adrenal puberty (adrenal puberty involves changes in certain aspects of cognitive maturation without other the aspects of puberty)6. The anxiety, the perfectionism, the self-esteem and relationship problems: all studiable impacts of being the eldest daughter.
Eldest daughters from marginalized backgrounds also face the compound effects of discrimination and systemic barriers that further harm them. One example is the “strong black woman” archetype that only serves to further the idea that it is totally fine to put our labor on the backs of black women — they can handle it.
Nelisa, a 40-year-old says, her parents were probably stricter with her because it was their first time being parents. “As girls in black households we are expected to do more house chores and take care of our younger siblings whilst you are still a child yourself,” she says. “Looking back, they were instilling a leader in me, but it took away my childhood – there were a lot of expectations even though I was a child. I was always treated as this grown person,” explains Nelisa.
Full Article Here: First born daughter syndrome in black families | Bona Magazine
There is a unique experience of being the eldest daughter of color due to various cultural traditions and expectations. A more in-depth conversation about the interplay of race and eldest daughter here:
Think Being an Eldest Daughter Is Bad? Try Being From an Immigrant Family.
Hanging Up Our Capes as Eldest Daughters — Therapy for Black Girls
I would be doing a disservice not only leaving out the conversation of the interplay of race with gender, but I would also be doing a disservice trying to verbalize the experiences that I personally do not have. Please support marginalized people who talk and write about their experiences.
The evidence is clear: the burden placed on eldest daughters isn’t just anecdotal—it’s measurable, physiological, and deeply ingrained in familial and societal structures. The intersection of emotional labor, gendered expectations, and even biological responses to stress paints a grim picture of the eldest daughter experience. It’s not just about responsibility; it’s about premature adulthood, about being expected to parent before fully growing up. And for many, these burdens never fully fade, shaping their self-worth, relationships, and mental health well into adulthood. When fathers see their daughters not as individuals but as stand-ins for a missing son or as convenient caretakers, the consequences are lifelong. It’s time to recognize that eldest daughters are not built-in support systems, but people—people who deserved to be children first.
Sources/Inspo:
Fox MM, Hahn-Holbrook J, Sandman CA, Marino JA, Glynn LM, Davis EP. Mothers’ prenatal distress accelerates adrenal pubertal development in daughters. Psychoneuroendocrinology. 2024;160:106671. doi:10.1016/j.psyneuen.2023.106671
Additional background used:
https://archive.is/20240219153206/https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2023/11/first-born-children-eldest-daughter-family-dynamics/675986/
https://www.womenshealthmag.com/life/a61162052/eldest-daughter-syndrome/
https://health.clevelandclinic.org/the-deal-with-eldest-daughter-syndrome
https://www.verywellmind.com/eldest-daughter-syndrome-8623347
We needed defending!? Who’s been slandering our good name?
This is scary relatable!!